


Mind Meld and Wanting

by DancingEyes



Category: Star Trek
Genre: Alien encounter, Angst, Falling In Love, M/M, Mind Meld, Revelations, Telepathy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-28
Updated: 2013-06-03
Packaged: 2017-12-13 05:31:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/820557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DancingEyes/pseuds/DancingEyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spirk Eventually: Jim gets attacked telepathically and Spock needs to assist him. But what intriguing revelations does Spock find in his Captain's mind? And how will it change everything?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Surprises and a Snake Woman

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: Spock usually refers to Jim as Captain, and when he wants to be more personal, Kirk. However, Jim refers to himself as Jim.

 It was calm; the Enterprise was going through space. The crew hadn’t encountered any new life for a while, so **,** predictably **,** Jim was bored.

“Perhaps you would like to review File 795?” Spock offered **.**   To anyone else it was a carefully monitored monotone, but Jim heard the offer behind what others may have thought was a statement.

Jim rubbed his jaw **.** “Nah, want to play some chess?” It was a common activity between the two of them. “Sorry,” he said, putting on the voice of a Vulcan, or his approximation of one **.** “It is highly logical to maintain and continue a strong tactical understanding of battle.” 

Spock gave him the quirk of an eyebrow, and merely said, “Yes **,** Captain. We should take a detour to the bridge to see if anything of consequence has come up.”

Jim nodded.  He assumed everyone else on the ship was enjoying their respite, but he needed some action. Still **,** acting Captain of the Enterprise **-** he loved it the ring of the words **-** it would be remiss to neglect the bridge.

They rose from their chairs together and headed for the bridge.

“Keptin on ze bridge!” Chekov alerted everyone. 

 “Thank you **,** Chekov.” Jim smiled and nodded. “Just wanted to get an update, anything worth mentioning Mr. Sulu?”

“Not at the moment Sir.” Mr. Sulu reported.

“Great **-** AAAHH **!** ” He broke off mid-sentence with a gasp of pain. His hands flew to his head, as he dropped. His face was quickly turning red with the strain.

Spock caught him, “Captain? Captain what is happening?”

Jim’s panicked eyes met his; he was clutching his head tightly. “Spock … my … head … attack …” He tried to gasp; his head felt like it was on fire. Like someone was wrapping his mind and squeezing it like a python while stabbing it repeatedly. He couldn’t think, he just knew whoever this was, they wanted him dead. His teeth gritted together.

 

Spock tried to maintain his composure, but his heart was beating fast. Jim looked in so much pain, his eyes were bloodshot. The crew had risen from their chairs.

He pulled out orders quickly, but the hesitation was noticeably to him 2.3 seconds later than orders should have been issued. He pressed his slender, pale fingers to the Captain’s skin to confirm, Kirk was correct. “The Captain is under a telepathic attack, Mr. Sulu take the chair. I must assist him.” He said authoritatively, and then pressed his fingers to Kirk’s skin.  

The waves of emotion assaulted his senses, before he got his bearings in Kirk’s mind. 

“It was a strong attack, what species could do this?” Spock’s logical thoughts flew out.

“Now? You want to do this **now**?” Jim retorted.

“Jim, calm down. Let me help you, you’ve got to let me in!” Spock told him, he didn’t want to force his way in, but Kirk was trying to stop him, trying to hide something.

There was another stab of pain, so much stronger than before, and it bled across the mind meld. 

“Captain!” Spock mentally yelled frantically, and forced his way past Jim’s shields. He was assaulted with memories as he got in.

_Seeing his own face through Kirk’s eyes._

Got to protect Kirk’s mind…

_Spock is so beautiful…_

Can’t let himself get distracted…

_The trust Kirk places in Spock…_

Have to put up barriers…

_The longing Kirk feels when he looks at him…_

Spock forces his own shields to cover Kirk’s mind

_Spock understands that the quips he trades with Kirk are flirting…_

Spock can hear Kirk screaming mentally as the alien whips their mind again…

_Suddenly a fantasy explodes, Kirk’s lips enveloping his. Their bodies pressed against each other. He wants this…so badly_

Spock isn’t sure who wants what anymore; he puts everything he has into forcing the presence away.

It retreats like a wounded animal, but hisses, “We will not forgive this insult….”

Spock forces himself out of Kirk’s mind before he gets lost in it. They’re back on the bridge, Bones hovering over them both. 

Spock is lost in his thoughts of being in Kirk’s mind, there’s just too much…he needs to meditate. He pushes Bones away, barely hearing his bluster. He stumbles to the door, not seeing anything.

He has the vague notion he’s probably in shock. His friend was attacked, he tried to save him, the jumble of memories and thoughts, his own shields are in tatters because he extended them too far.

Spock slumps to the floor of his quarters, grabbing clumsily at some incense to calm his fevered mind. He needs to be a Vulcan. He does not have emotions. The incense wafts over him, and he settles in to meditate for a very long time.

 

Jim was gasping, “What the hell happened?” 

Bones was measuring his temperature and trying to hear his heartbeat at the same time **.** “I don’t know Jim, Spock said something about being attacked telepathically or something? He melded with you. **”**

Bits and pieces were coming back **;** he remembered the searing pain. He remembered his resolution that Spock could not find something, and then his shields breaking. Suddenly he remembered everything in a gasp, oh shit.

 “Bones, get off me. I need a minute!” He struggled with his friend for a minute **,** “I said, Bones **,** get off me!” He shoved him to the side, and realized his crew is looking at him, with shocked eyes and a great deal of worry. 

Jim looked around, then walked into the elevator very quickly, heading for Spock’s quarters. They needed to talk about this, damn it! As soon as the doors closed with a hiss, he slid down to the floor in a heap. What happened? How could this happen?

Of course he had known that he loved Spock, how could he not? His first officer was smart, witty, and was actually funny in a weird Vulcan sort of way. But he knew that any mention would make Spock uncomfortable and that was the last thing he wanted. They were friends, the best of friends, but Jim wanted more. 

He never said anything, but he couldn’t help watching. The slope of his eyebrows, the shape of his jaw, his searing eyes, he shouldn’t have noticed but he did. The darker fantasy of actually having Spock, he’d never consciously thought about it. But that didn’t mean his subconscious hadn’t decided to pop in and share.

Damn him, damn it all! He didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know what he could say. He was just exhausted, he’d been attacked. Speaking of which, who was the alien? It hadn’t said a word, at least not that he’d picked up. Perhaps Spock had heard something?

The elevator chimed **.** He hadn’t noticed they’d stopped moving. He tried to rise, then stumbled and sprawled to the floor, unconscious. 

 

“Spock, you are needed in Sick Bay right away. It’s Jim.” Dr. McCoy’s terse voice pervaded Spock’s calm. The effects of his meditation were still clinging to him, and though he didn’t run as he might have, he nevertheless moved quickly through the halls. 

“What the hell did you do to him? What’s going on? Damn it man, we need some answers!” Bones confronted him angrily. 

Spock’s eyes flickered to Kirk’s unconscious form on one of the tables. He felt the waves of emotions pounding against his emotional walls, but he did not let it overcome him. “What has happened to the Captain?” His voice was calm and rational, which seemed to infuriate Dr. McCoy further.

“We found him passed out in the hallway after he left, presumably to find you. He was on your floor. His vitals are fine but I can’t say anything to the state of his mind.” He said frustrated, stepping close to Spock in anger.

Spock felt his own emotions rise up again as Dr. McCoy accused him of hurting Kirk. 

“Doctor, Kirk was under attack from a telepathic alien, a very strong one, based on his lack of physical presence and the overall force of his attack. I entered his mind and, with difficulty, drove the alien out.” Spock found no logical reason to discuss the other…ah **,** things he’d found in Kirk’s mind. “The alien was quite unusual when fended off; however, it told us that it would not forget this insult. Yet he was clearly attacking the Captain’s mind. 

“Jim is merely exhausted; his mind is worn out from the strain of attacking, defending, and other…revelations that occurred due to the mind meld.” The pause was not noticeable to a human, but another Vulcan would surely have caught it. 

The Doctor’s postured eased, and he stepped back from Spock. “Are you alright? You practically attacked me when I tried to help you back there.”

“I apologize for my rash behavior, my telepathic shields were compromised and I required meditation to reinforce them.” Spock said smoothly. 

There was a groan **.** “Where am I?”

“Jim, you’re in Sick Bay. You collapsed in the elevator **.** How do you feel?” Bones asked brusquely.

“M fine.” Jim muffled out. 

“Jim!” Bones snapped in a tone that meant business. Spock had to respect his ability to get results.

“My head hurts, alright?” Jim protested. Bones wheeled on Spock with a glare.

“Doctor…” Spock began, trying to assuage Dr. McCoy’s anger.

“Spock?” The voice Jim used was almost unrecognizable. Perhaps it was Spock’s inability to properly identify human emotions and inflections. He’d never heard the tone from Kirk and wasn’t sure what it was.

Dr. McCoy looked surprised though.

“Captain?” Spock got closer to the bedside, unsure if it was a warning or a plead or what. 

“Spock.” Now his voice was full of relief, which Spock was happy to interpret. “How are you doing?” Kirk’s voice was guarded. 

“I am better that I’ve had a chance to meditate,” Spock’s voice mirrored Kirk’s guardedness **.** “Captain.”

There was a pause as Jim struggled to say something, anything.

“I think I’ll leave you two for a minute, but this is still my sick bay!” Bones told them sternly, the doors opened and closed. Jim took the minute to be thankful that Bones knew about his feelings for Spock, but was tactful enough not to let Spock know. Of course Bones disapproved **;** he was not fond of the ‘green-blooded hobgoblin’ he’d taken to calling Spock.

The silence remained for a moment.

“Are we going to talk about this?” Kirk asked Spock.

“Talk about what, Captain?” Spock responded. 

He felt bad, but he needed to remind himself that the Captain was **,** well, the Captain. Because ever since he learned that Kirk had feelings for him, he’d examined his own. They spent a lot of time together, and Spock felt strongly for Kirk. He hadn’t noticed its strength before. “The alien said as it retreated, that it would not forgive this insult, Captain.” Spock continued.

Jim groaned in frustration, he sat up a little so he could look at Spock. Sometimes all he wanted to do was stare at him, but this really wasn’t the time. “Call me Jim, please.”

Spock looked at him for a moment with his customary blank expression **.** And then- “As you wish, Jim.” The words sent a thrill down both their spines.

 “Spock, I…” Jim began. “I suppose you already know and it’s illogical to repeat the information, but the human side of you might be able to appreciate that I need to say this out loud to you. Spock, I think I love you. I think about you, even when you’re not in the room, and I care about you. I want to know all the little things of your day, I want to wake up with you in the morning, I want…” Jim looked down. “I just thought you should know.”

Spock kept looking at him, but his mind was whirring. He had to adjust referring to Kirk as Jim, but the sooner he acclimated to the new address, the better it would be. He knew Ki-Jim’s words were true, but he was not anticipating them. He thought with a wry grin that he should know by now if Jim was involved that he needed to expect the unexpected.

Apparently he was taking too long to respond, as Jim grabbed him by the shirt collar and pulled him into a kiss.

After the shock had faded somewhat, the touch telepathy kicked in. He could feel Jim’s desperation, fear of rejection, but deep underlying love and care. The feeling of Jim’s lips on his was so enjoyable, for a moment it was almost like meditation the moment was so perfect. But as Spock reciprocated Jim deepened the kiss, slipping his tongue inside Spock’s mouth. 

Spock wasn’t sure what to do, he’d never examined human rituals in this way before, but apparently Jim knew what he was doing. They began to gasp as they kissed one another feverishly. Spock put a hand to Jim’s back, pressing him closer, while Jim ran his fingers through Spock’s hair. It was so warm, so wonderful.

“Spock.” Jim moaned.

“Jim.” Spock responded in a whisper. They clung to one another, until they parted. They stared into each other’s eyes without a word, yet completely understanding the other.

“Wow.” Jim said breathlessly.

“The experience was very good.” He said mildly, not really able to come up with an adequate adjective.

There was a sudden shudder of the ship, and Mr. Sulu came over the coms in sick bay. “Captain? You are needed on the bridge immediately. It appears we are under attack.” 

“Confirmed, Spock and I will be there as soon as possible.” Jim said, clicking his com. They rose from the bed, and began a run to the bridge.

“Captain, are you well enough to leave sick bay?” Spock asked, as the swift pace Jim had set for himself was not as straining to him.

“Fine, slight headache is all. You heard me tell Bones.” Jim said a little breathlessly. They both entered the bridge. “Situation?”

“We were in open space, nothing was up on sensors. All the sudden a ship came out of warp, and began to fire on us, Sir. Shields are already up to maximum **.** ” Mr. Sulu updated. “Shall we fire back?”

“Open a line.” Jim ordered. Uhura quickly complied.

The screen opened to reveal an alien. It reminded Spock of many depictions of Greek monsters, half snake and half woman. She was covered with golden scales, with ridges near her hair line. Her hair was black, and wound into an intricate hairstyle. There was a red pattern similar to the yellow snake of Earth but with red instead of black. Her eyelids were black as a snake’s and flickered shut with an audible click.

The alien began a strange hissing fit that Jim assumed was the language, punctuated with her tail’s erratic motions.

“Uhura, are you getting any of these?” Jim asked, maintaining eye contact with the creature.

“A little, Captain, it is similar to the Dusame dialect of the Kotar region. If I’m getting this correct, she is Filisi.” Uhura pronounced it with her teeth barred.

The woman paused, hearing her name.

“Can you ask them why they are attacking us?” Jim asked Uhura.

Uhura began the spitting, hissing language, and used her arm to mimic some of Filisi’s tail motions. If they hadn’t been under attack, Jim would have laughed aloud. She looked ridiculous.

“Captain, if I may. I believe these are the creatures that attacked you, perhaps they would respond better to an attempted telepathic transmission?” Spock suggested.

“Let’s see how this goes with Uhura first.” Jim was reluctant to endanger Spock in this manner.

“Captain, she wishes to beam aboard. She believes she can do something to help our communication.” Uhura said.

“Spock?”

“We need to understand what is going on, however logically they have tried to attack us twice and yet seemed offended at first contact. This could be our only chance to make positive contact.” Spock told him calmly.

Jim nodded, “Uhura **,** tell her we will beam her aboard. Scotty, get the transporters ready. Spock and I are headed down. Uhura **,** follow us after the transmission has been sent.” Spock rose gracefully and they walked down quickly to the transporter room.

   “Captain, I’ve taken the liberty of having 6 members of security present in the room. They will be masquerading as assisting with the transport, but if she attacks us, we will have back up.” Spock explained.

“Thank you Spock.” Jim said, a smile spreading across his face. Finally some action! Of course he dropped it in favor of a more dignified Captain’s expression when they entered the room.

“Energize **,** Scotty.” He ordered, and he saw the shape begin to take form. She was massive. Once she was fully transported, she rolled down on her belly more so until she was roughly their height. Her tail coiled several times before her, her width was easily the size of Jim and Spock.

Jim was very aware that it would be easy for her to rip this whole room apart. Her eyes scanned the room, her head moving forward and back noticeably. As her eyes met Jim’s, he felt a presence try to crush his mind. 

Her eyes widened for a moment in recognition as she also looked at Spock. Then, faster than anyone was aware, she darted to bite Spock’s shoulder. Her massive mouth meant that her teeth impaled Spock’s lungs, and yet she did not rip him in half as he might have expected, but retreated.

Jim’s eyes widened as he saw Spock attacked. A moment later was at his side, trying desperately to stem the blood flow.

            “Spock, Spock can you hear me? Bones get up here right now! Spock requires immediate medical attention.” Security had already unsheathed their weapons and were about to shoot, when Spock called out.

            “No! Stop!” The officers paused, looking to their Captain. “She was trying to make a stronger connection. Their skin is much harder than ours; she did not realize we were so tender. Nor did she gauge our size well either, she merely meant to prick my arm, but made a small miscalculation on her part. Her venom allows for a better understood connection. We can communicate now.”

            “That’s great Spock, but you’re bleeding to death!” Jim said angrily, trying to fight his growing panic as the green blood colored his hands. He was freaking out, what if Spock died now? He couldn’t imagine going to the bridge and not having his first officer greet him with his beautiful voice. Or offering him the logical solution so Jim could just ignore it.

            Not playing chess with him, or even seeing him. Taking back his body to the Ambassador, he had promised them a friendship that would define them both, but Jim knew it was more than friendship.

            He would not allow it to be taken from him. “Spock, stay with me. That’s an order. Bones will be here soon.”

Fliisi began to twitch her tail, and make more hissing sounds. “Spock, what’s she saying?” He was frustrated that he had to wait to understand. Where was Bones?

            “She thinks she can help staunch the bleeding. Do not be afraid, Jim.” Spock said, his voice getting weaker.

            Jim nodded, and Filisi began to slowing approach Spock. Then opened her mouth and her tongue was forked and extended out far longer than Jim thought it should have. The tips pressed against Spock’s back and front injuries, effectively stopping the bleeding.

            Bones burst in with a squad of people, before taking in the sight. The back of Jim’s mind that wasn’t currently focused on Spock noted that this must look incredibly weird, an over grown snake woman digging her tongue into Spock’s wounds. 

            “She is using her saliva to seal the wounds.” Spock’s voice was faint as he explained. Everyone just froze until she relinquished her tongue, then spat at the wall. It had a greenish tinge. Bone jumped into action, shooing Jim away from Spock. Filisi began hissing again.

            “I apologize that my blood tastes ‘nasty’ to you.” Bones was blocking Spock’s face, but Jim smiled as Spock no doubt was responding to her words.

            “Does she understand us now?” Jim asked.

            “Yes.” Spock said.

            “Jim, I need to get him to Sick Bay right away.” Bones said as they pulled him to a stretcher and ran out the door before Jim could say a word.

            Jim knelt there woodenly for a moment. Then he looked at Filisi. He was filled with rage; she had hurt Spock, his friend. But he tried to let Spock’s cool voice in his mind urge him to logic.

            “So you can understand us?” He asked. She twitched her head to the side, and then nodded. “All it takes for communication is a prick of your venom?” She nodded again, and opened her mouth. 

            Jim knew it was probably stupid, but he walked over to her and jerked his hand up onto her tooth. It was massive, even the tip. So he went for his bicep, and pricked it against her teeth. It started bleeding, but he clasped a hand to it and tried to focus through the pain.

            He watched her begin hissing and waving her tail, but he heard a cool voice in his mind. “I am sorry; your species is very fragile compared to my own. I am Filisi, Mother of my Race.” He could feel a bit of her mind, and saw how huge it was. Then **,** in addition to how strong and powerful Filisi was, he also saw that she was connected to each of her children.

            Filisi showed him a bit of her culture. She was not the biological mother of the race; it was more of a title. She was the president, and general **.** Mother in their words was not one of care and love, but fierce protection. As this position, she had access to everyone’s mind. It was a very weary burden, but Filisi took it gladly. 

            As Jim learned about her, Filisi also learned about him. “Again, your species is very weak. What I sent out as a query of what your intent was, you felt an attack as my mind pressed upon yours. When I realized this, I tried to be more specific and small, but these turned into the jabs you felt.

            Then another joined you in the mind, and he was stronger. However he saw me as a threat again, and his limited telepathic skills did not allow him to understand me.”

            “If we can’t comprehend your mind, how are we communicating?” Jim asked.

            “My venom, as you call it, allows for a more precise…invasion? It is like using your Earth saw to a scalpel. My venom is the means to using the scalpel.” Filisi continued, “When he pushed me out of our minds, it was a deep insult, for I am the Mother of My Race, and telepathy is used primarily by me. To push me out is like…slamming a door in my face and locking me inside. You have no wish to communicate, nor will you ever. More often than not, it is also used as a way to indicate ill intent.” 

She paused, “That is why when we found your ship we began to attack. The fact you attempted to communicate through the line indicated that perhaps you did not understand telepathy as communication, so I lowered myself to speak in the common tongue of my people. Fortunately, your Uhura was able to understand a little.”

“Okay. Is Spock going to be okay?” Jim asked.

“I do not know.” Filisi said regretfully, “I did not mean to injure him so severely.”

“Then I must depart **.** I need to see how he is doing.” He paused for a moment, “Perhaps you would like to return to your ship? I’m afraid we don’t have many spaces that are large enough that you feel comfortable.” 

She inclined her head, “Thank you. We will still be able to communicate despite the distance. I will close the link when we both agree.”

“Scotty, beam her back.” Jim clenched his teeth. Now that he wasn’t immersed in conversation with Filisi, his arm was really starting to throb. He stumbled down to sick bay, feeling a little feverish.

“Spock.” He gasped, seeing him surrounded by so many people.

“Christie, assist the Captain.” Bones barked shortly. A pretty blonde came up to him, and began treating his arm.

“Will he be alright?” Jim asked, as his eyes started to swim.

“Shhhh” Christies said, before she hypo-sprayed him. “How do you feel?”

“Little feverish, but my eye sight is back to normal.” He told her. She nodded, then hypo-sprayed him again.

“This will make you sleep **.** You need to sleep off your fever. Also **,** Dr. McCoy is under the belief that if you are not unconscious you will run off before I can do my job.” She said with a smile.

“Booonnnesss.” Jim groaned before falling unconscious.

 

Spock awoke to pain, quite a lot of pain. It took a moment to gather his mind. Jim. Filisi. Jim. There was this need to be by Jim. Spock opened his eyes, and pulled himself up.

To his surprise, Jim was already there, asleep. He looked so peaceful, and happy. Spock was surprised he didn’t notice it before, his hair was ruffled just so. He wanted to stretch out a hand to brush it back, and was surprised at the desire.

Then Jim awoke, “Spock, are you alright?” His eyes flitted across the Vulcan’s chest. Spock seemed to realize his panic, and comforted him, which was unusual.

“I’m okay Jim.” Spock said, his voice sending tingles down Jim’s spine. “What happened to Filisi? And your arm?” He asked as he noticed the slight bulge of the bandage under Jim’s uniform.

“Everything’s fine, I nicked my arm on Filisi’s fang so we could understand one another. We straightened everything out, and I’ve sent information to the Federation so they can send another ship for Ambassadors and such.” Jim explained, leaning closer to Spock.

“I see.” Spock raised his hand to Jim’s cheek, feeling how cool it was. As he entered Jim’s mind, he hadn’t realized how scared Jim had been about losing him. He was touched he cared so much. Jim knelt down for a kiss, and it was so…good.


	2. Were we never together?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my lovely Beta Lacriyme for reading all of this and catching any of my grammar mistakes, she's fantastic!

Several weeks had passed, and although Jim and Spock hadn’t said anything, the majority of the crew knew the relationship between their Captain and First Officer. The pair kept it subtle while on duty, a few lingering glances and longer-than-necessary touches. 

Jim was in heaven **.** He had this sexy Vulcan to himself. He loved seeing him in private, when Spock could show his emotions and revel in them with Jim’s help. In fact **,** he was planning something particularly adventurous in the bedroom because of Spock’s stare which seemed designed to get him all hot and bothered, when Bones called them both down to Sick Bay. 

“Do you know what this is all about?” Jim asked Spock in an undertone.

“I do not know Jim; the doctor was very ambiguous as to why we were to come.” Spock clarified.

“Hope it’s not bad news.” Jim replied lightly.

The doors slid open and Bones was standing there, clearly uncomfortable. Bones was leaning against the table, facing the doors. Jim noted that he seemed to be avoiding his eyes.

“Dr. McCoy, may I ask where the rest of the medical staff is?” Spock queried. 

“I…asked them to leave.” Bones paused, while Jim felt a sickly sense of dread pool into his gut. This was not good. This was very not good. “After you did the mind meld,” he addressed Spock, “I did some more research into what we know about the process and telepathic attacks.” Jim didn’t like where this was going and leaned imperceptibly against Spock’s chest, the warmth comforting him.

“Yes Doctor?” Spock prompted.

“Spock **,** you entered into a mind meld with Jim while Jim was under attack. There have been past documents of Vulcan’s doing this before. I’ve found only a handful of cases of this, but in the event that there is a mind meld in progress and is simultaneously being attacked, some of the feelings and attributes can be transferred to the Vulcan.” Bones said carefully.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jim asked, hostile.

“Damn you **,** Jim! I am trying to say this as kindly as I can!” Bones retorted angrily.

“Jim,” Spock put a hand to Jim’s arm to calm him, “I believe what the doctor is saying is that he believes that our relationship may be because I had taken on your feelings of love and attraction.” His voice was calm, but he was clearly shaken.

“How can he-” Jim began.

“Look at the facts man, you’ve told me in advance how you feel about him. You get attacked, and he goes to your defense. You guys make it out, and Spock clearly said his mental shields were damaged. Emotional transference is the reason they have those shields Jim! You both wake up, and start kissing? There was no behavior prior to this that indicated that Spock was interested, Jim. And then all of the sudden the two of you are in a relationship? You have to understand that it seems a little fishy.” Bones was pleading with Jim to understand.

“You don’t understand Spock, you never liked him. Why would he give any indication to you whether or not he has feelings for me?” Jim snapped. “Spock?” Upon no reply, he turned to face his lover, and repeated quieter, “Spock?”

“Jim,” Spock was looking down, if Jim hadn’t known any better he would have said Spock was close to tears. He sounded so broken, that Jim moved on instinct to comfort him. Spock moved sharply away, and that hurt Jim worse that he could ever say. 

“Dr. McCoy has spent a considerable amount of time researching this issue. What he says is true, the shields are there to prevent emotional transference, and mine were damaged. I also extended my shields to protect you, further inviting you to meld with me deeper than we could have been with the shields in place. There is a strong probability **-** ” And here Jim truly began to get frightened **;** Spock always told him the numbers. Always, he never generalized them like this. “ **-** that what he says could be true. I…I need to process this.” He said, never looking at Jim. Then quickly turned and walked out of the room.

Jim stood there, frozen in horror. Bones was aghast, and regretful. He knew what this relationship meant to Jim. This was his chance to have someone who loved him wholly, flaws and strengths, forever. To find out that it could just be some overgrown fantasy must be shattering. He wished to God he’d never found this information, that his best friend could have been just happy with Spock. But he couldn’t in good conscious not tell them **.** They deserved to know. 

“Jim…” Bones tried to think of something to say to comfort his best friend. Jim didn’t say a word and marched away. Bones wondered if this was the end of their friendship.

 

 

Spock was about to scream **.** He was finally happy. Jim made him happy. And now it could all be taken from him! He took a deep breath, and decided the only way to be logical and reach a conclusion would be to meditate. 

He took out the incense and candle, and settled himself into position. Elegantly, he brought his fingers together into position and took a deep breath, concentrating on the candle. He felt himself detach, go to a higher place. It was suitably spaced away from the problem to look at it objectively.

Dr. McCoy had been correct to make them aware of this. As a friend, he did not wish to hurt us. There was no malicious intent, merely a wish to have the information known. Spock understood this.

Delving deeper into his memories, Spock begins to sort through his feelings and came to the same conclusion as Dr. McCoy. There was a 99.901% chance that emotional transference occurred, moving Jim’s romantic feelings and desire to be in a relationship to himself. Now that he’d had time to examine it, his prior 96.7% he’d made in sick bay had increased. Despite Jim’s ability to consistently defy probabilities against him, Spock did not think this was the case.

So he was only in love with Jim because Jim had wanted him to be. 

So what was the next step? Did this change anything?

 

Jim was pacing feverishly, back and forth. Spock liked to comment that this was his own form of meditation because he did it so often. What if McCoy’s claims were true? What did that make them? Their relationship? Him? 

Sure he’d known that Spock and he had entered the relationship after the mind meld, but that was just because Jim confessed his feelings, right? He wanted to hit something **.** This couldn’t be happening.

He tried to be objective **.** What would he do if he found out he may have been mind-transferred or whatever into loving someone? But he quickly rejected that line of thought because he wasn’t Spock.

Did this make everything a lie? He’d never been one to doubt their relationship. He could feel both their happiness when they mind melded to get closer. But this changed everything. Every touch, every whisper, every caress could mean nothing. 

Jim wanted to tear himself apart; the denial reared its ugly head. Maybe they could forget this ever happened? They could go back to before, where flirty smile and winks when no one was watching was common. Where beginning the night playing chess and engaging in other activities after the game finished (or sometime before) was just another night in love. Maybe they could go back to when they were happy.

“Captain, permission to come in?” Spock’s voice rang through the intercom and Jim started freaking out. He’d given Spock complete clearance to his rooms a while ago, saying Spock was always welcome. 

“Come in.” Jim said, sounding half strangled. What was Spock going to say? Were they through? Could Jim handle that? Would he revert to his slutty ways? No, his mind forcefully corrected. He would never do that. But he would break. He suddenly saw this with certainty, without his Spock he would be hollow. So empty, Jim caught a glimpse of the void that threatened to overtake him. He would be alone again.

Spock slid into the room, disrupting Jim’s thoughts. He tried to glean what Spock would say, but Spock was the picture of indifference. His heart beat faster.

“Jim,” Spock said softly, relaxing his stance. “I’ve done the probabilities; there is a 99.901% chance that emotional transference occurred during the mind meld.” His voice was low. Jim suddenly couldn’t face him; he didn’t want to face the rejection.

 “But I don’t care.” Spock strode right up behind Jim, his hot breath warming Jim’s skin. “I have been happy with you these past weeks. So much happier than any other time in my life, and it is unacceptable to me that this time should end. I love you **,** Jim.” Spock turned Jim to face him as he proclaimed the words both had been too afraid to say.

Jim’s heart couldn’t help but jump with joy as he heard the three words that he’d been wishing for desperately. This was what he wanted; Spock wasn’t going to leave him. Everything was going to be okay. 

But could he live with himself? 

“Spock, I love you. You know I do.” Jim paused painfully. “But I can’t help but fear that this is all a lie. Even the words you’re saying to me now, is it just because I forced you to say them **?** Could I do this to you? I’ve robbed you of your choice. The idea I’ve made you love me is abhorrent, and I am filled with disgust at the thought **,** ” he said passionately.

Spock stared into Jim’s eyes, the blue eyes that could carry him far away and yet so close. He could not imagine not loving Jim as fiercely as he did now. But he understood what Jim was saying, knew Jim was gallant even when past behaviors didn’t indicate this. 

“So what will we do now?” Spock asked quietly.

“Is there any way to fix the emotional transference?” Jim felt like he was ripping his heart out of his chest, but he knew he couldn’t live with himself even he didn’t do this.

Spock spoke, “On New Vulcan, there are many trained healers can fix any emotional transference that occurred.”

 Jim hated himself for even asking the question, “Where will that make us?” His eyes were averted, but at the Vulcan’s abnormally long pause he looked into the brown eyes that encompassed his whole world.

“I cannot say,” Spock finally got out, “I believe my current feelings are overriding past memories. They urge me to say that I will always love you, no matter what; but I fear that that may not be the case.” 

 

They traveled to New Vulcan immediately. They said that the Spock’s father required their presence immediately, and it was true after Spock and Jim had told him what had happened. Those 3 weeks and 5 days were the most uncomfortable days Jim had ever lived. 

He and Spock did not talk more than was necessary. They did not spend any time together outside of work. The crew noticed, of course, but they whispered that it was a lover’s spat. Only Spock, McCoy, and himself knew the real reason they were going to New Vulcan. 

“I miss him desperately. I miss waking up in the morning to see that once again he’d woken up before me. I miss when we’d jump into a closet because we needed too…” Jim confided after several glasses of Romulan Ale.

“Jim! I do not want to know the details of your sex life with Spock!” McCoy retorted. Their friendship had survived, there were deep hurts, but the fact that Spock was out of his life made him fix things with McCoy faster than normal.

Finally they were there, and assembled into the transporter room together. They were transporting straight into the healer’s office. There was the command to Energize and then they were there.

Jim let himself look at Spock. Really look at him. His eyes traced his hair cut, his slanted eyebrows that seemed to cut straight through him, those brown eyes, the slope of his nose, the fullness of his lips, he let him take in all of it. Spock had new lines of exhaustion that marred his normally seamless face. It appeared separation had taken its toll on both of them. 

He gripped Spock’s arm suddenly, “I love you.”

Spock looked at him with his eyes practically sending Jim into a puddle. He remained silent, which was almost a relief to Jim.

The Vulcan healer stood by impassively, the pointed ears highlighted by her short brown hair. She said nothing during the exchange, merely pressing her fingers to Spock’s fingers and Jim’s head.

“Shh. Try not to think, I need to sort **,** ” she said softly. Spock Prime, as Jim had taken to calling him, had confirmed that she was trustworthy and had no prejudice against humans. 

Jim tried to sit still and not think, he was aware that she was doing something over in Spock’s mind, but couldn’t see what it was. After a long time, she left their minds and Jim opened his eyes anxiously to Spock’s face.

It betrayed nothing.

“Thank you.” Spock said, not looking at the Healer, who nodded and left the room. 

“Spock?” Jim cursed his voice for betraying his doubt.

All he was met with was the Vulcan’s succulent lips, his warm tongue sliding in his mouth sensuously. Jim was okay with this response. This was definitely a good response. Spock flicked his tongue erotically, and Jim amended his thoughts, this was a great response. 

And all other coherent though left him as he slid his hands down to feel Spock’s tight ass and Spock pressed himself against Jim in a long moan of pleasure.

After they had finished their athletic activity…several times, Jim got up the courage to ask. “So did I not transfer anything?”

“You did.” Spock murmured softly. “You did transfer your love but it was your love of meat. You have no idea how difficult it was to refrain from eating that.” 

Jim let out a chuckle of surprise and relief, “Pity you didn’t indulge yourself…” and was cut off by the Vulcan’s lips on his once more. This was becoming a delicious habit. 

“I fell in love with you all by myself, T'hy'la.” Spock whispered to his forever love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh for those not aware of what T'hy'la is it means friend, brother, and...lover. Oh yes, we Sprik fans have a field day with this one
> 
> So that's that! Please let me know if you liked it...you know....the comment section down there is always helpful...or perhaps a kudos if you don't have moment

**Author's Note:**

> Yay so this is part 1 of 2, don't worry more angst is coming! Thanks for reading, hope you review!


End file.
